You're so nebulous sometimes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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