Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize