I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize
