I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
