I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
