apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
