She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
