It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
