I heard we made out
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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