he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
