think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
