I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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