I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love having hate sex.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
