shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
