Whod you bang
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
