first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
