I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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