Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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