Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
