im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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