Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
