He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
