All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You work out of a Hotel?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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