so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I intend to get homeless drunk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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