does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
