I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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