Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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