is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
