Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
