Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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