you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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