Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize