You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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