After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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