So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
