Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
