the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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