I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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