He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
