My room smells like vodka and shame
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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