ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
