Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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