Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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