i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
