The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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