I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Randomize
