im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
