he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize