you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Randomize
