nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
