life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
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