I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Randomize
