I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
