just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
That accounts for only three of the penises
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
