Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
