i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
