he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
