Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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